Updated: Apr 20
I’ve had the beautiful distractions of house hunting and moving plus taking on a homeschooling rhythm, it’s given me a needed rest from feeling the weight of the chaos in the world. I’ve allowed myself to be swallowed up by these tasks and I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful to wake up and go to sleep in a house with no close neighbours, to have over 100 acres to explore, that the only humans I see are those coming to visit with us. I’m immersed in life on my terms, and that’s by design. My interactions are nearly solely with people who I align with, I’ve opted out of most other exchanges.
It’s easy to look at this as hiding, as burying my head in the sand. I’ve grappled with my role right now — is it to continue being a beacon for those who are also not feeling resonance with what’s happening in the world, is it to shine brighter, to talk louder, to share continuously and boldly, to take a stand? If I’m not allowing myself to be physically in the world right now, is that just allowing my fear to control me?
No. I’m very intentional and purposeful in how I’m choosing to live my life right now. I am in self preservation mode.
I see the world as we’ve known it to be divided, and time will show if it’s an irreparable divide. It feels like two worlds are being formed and they’re moving farther apart, so I am consciously choosing which world I stand in and designing my life fully around those ideals. There is immense strength that is summoned when we actively depart from all we’ve known and rest on the intangible faith it takes to go somewhere yet unseen, unknown.
In the world of my creation we are channels of love. We are pulsing and radiating light, we are wayfinders and truth seekers. We are souls in human form and we want to experience the world wholly. We are rooted in the earth, we are in harmony with nature. We have appreciation and understanding on how we heal, how we thrive and our lives are built solidly on that foundation. Touch is the common exchange, not only is our human body nourished by that it is upgraded in mingling with others. Wellness isn’t a trend, it’s our birthright. Joy isn’t something we get to after toiling away for decades, it’s something we experience constantly, it’s how we know we’re in alignment. We feel a spectrum of emotions and we work through them, welcome them for the lessons they bring, share them so we can lighten our burden. Community and family are at the core of how we live, we function by trading energy and currency and goods. We work together, we learn from one another.
This idyllic world I speak of has always existed but we’ve long felt we couldn’t access it; it feels too precious, too dreamy, too idealistic. I believe it’s actually how we’re meant to live, we have been shrouded in illusion for so long that we can just barely feel that spark. But you did feel it didn’t you? When you read above about the world I am curating, there was a longing in you even at the same time you smirked at how ludicrous it sounds. We’ve been lied to to believe anything besides what’s truly available to us.
I know this because I have always been connected, even though I ignored it for most of my life. I didn’t think it could be true, so I shunned it, as I was taught to. I feared sharing it for the sake of ridicule but I simply could not care less now. I understand that my life is my own, and that many won’t get it and they will move along. They already have mostly moved along, and I’m thankful. I no longer have to keep a foot on one side of the worlds that are splitting apart. I don’t have to pretend that that is reality for me any longer and I can rest fully and deeply in the peace of that recognition.
Animals are in this element too, and we are of that. We have been thwarted on our path but we are still of it. Nature in all it’s glory, perfectly and effortlessly thriving, overcoming, evolving and adapting. We have all of those same capabilities. There is no accident that human beings and plants coexist, there is a symbiotic relationship that those who know work hard to foster.
Stepping back into the other world, the old world, as it is now is painful and exhausting for many. I speak for myself and those who are experiencing it as I do, I don’t pretend to know what it feels like for someone who is genuinely and deeply worried for their health. As someone who is most certainly not it feels so intensely incongruent and foreign. There are reminders everywhere about the humanness and the truth but it’s getting harder to find it. A sea of masked people, most I would wager who are no longer feeling worried for their health but feeling confined by their obedience. Waiting to be told when it’s safe, when it’s over, when they can go and live again as they once did. Forgetting that all of those choices are only their own. So engrained is the need for compliance we will fight for it, even when we don’t believe in it. As someone who doesn’t want to comply it feels like a war zone and one I have no desire being a part of. It feels like always being ‘wrong’ somehow, it feels like waking up into an alternate reality. And for what? What do I lose by not participating?
We’re not going to restaurants or the movies, date nights are not what they once were. We miss it and yet we don’t, we recreate the best parts of it in our home – sometimes just for us, sometimes with friends. The food, the drinks, the joy, those aren’t held in a container outside of us either. We can learn new ways of feeling the specialness of an evening in.
Easily shopping for what we need, a sore spot at times. We’ve become more mindful, better planners and we know that what we’re seeking is to take care of ourselves. The currency of the future is self reliance, I’ve known that for a long while, and now it’s time to put it into practice. Working on forgoing the convenience of big box store online shopping, doing better at getting to know local makers, farmers, producers. We hope to embark on growing for ourselves, homesteading some, we’re excited by the prospect and learning what we can.
Even a century ago life was very different than now, we’ve been put onto the fast track towards better technology, faster production, needs fulfilled with the push of a button, knowledge at our fingertips. But for what? How has that made life more enjoyable? According to any stats around mental health, wellness and overall happiness it’s a completely flawed premise, it’s never made anyone feel more engaged in life, it’s taken living away.
To hide away in fear is a slow death, it’s choosing to not live. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m magnifying all that is glorious in life and turning the volume way down on all that isn’t. I miss easily meeting new people, or recognizing a friend on the street and stopping to chat. I miss being easily amongst humanity and yet it doesn’t feel like something I can be myself in, so I’ll try this for now.
Two worlds are being created, many are straddling both, holding on to what feels recognizable and safe and feeling the pull towards something new and real. The weight of that can be immobilizing at times, the exhaustion is real. But choosing fully for the new world in creation, one that truly answers your needs mind/body/soul feels nearly too fanciful to imagine. It does exist, that I know. And it’s in you to forge the path there if you desire, that’s your evolution calling to you. The success of a life is measured by how fully it was lived, it’s up to each of us to determine what that looks like.
Our true origins are all centred in love. Impossible standards are falling away, it’s easier not to meet what I once thought was required of me, not to fulfill someone else’s version of what success at my age looks like. As a mom, as a wife, as a woman in our society, in my work, in my family. A complete reframe is being offered and it’s a bit like fumbling through the dark to traverse this new realm. I don’t feel comfortable all of the time but I do feel sure. I don’t know that I’m getting it “right” all the way along but I do know I’m staying in my integrity. I’m open and learning and tweaking my thoughts constantly. I’m at once totally honoured and grateful to be home with my family AND completely stretched to my limit in every way. This season of my life calls for extreme amounts of patience, grace, and a handful of good friends who I can pour my heart out to.
When we peel back all the layers of life, what are we left with. That’s one of the gifts that this slow down/shut down affords us; the gift of a new lens, of weighing out what matters most and putting all our energy on building our world around it. To betray what we’ve been told is true goes against our nature but we are being asked to explore the nudges and hold fast to our convictions. The blessing is getting to see how committed I am to this vision, to myself. Day by day a new world of my choosing is being created.