I spent the first few days of This Weird Time in a frenzy of activity and introspection — who could I be helping? How could I be helping? What’s my best way to show up? Can I legit not find toilet paper?! I could not it turned out, but a kind neighbour rescued us with four jumbo rolls at our doorstep. We in turn repaid her with freshly baked goodies (clean)-hand delivered. So it felt like maybe I was doing something? I definitely recognized the sense of urgency I felt was leaving my head spinning and I knew I needed to take it down a notch and gain some perspective.
This Weird Time, that’s all I can refer to it as. I don’t like saying “new normal” because that seems to add a sense of laissez-faire about a permanency of what simply cannot be true. Right? I’m just not ok to accept that forever more we stay 6 ft apart when we greet one another, we don’t go to parks or beaches, school is done remotely, online or not at all and toilet paper becomes more of a hot commodity than Tiger King merch [don’t get me started on that show…talk about feeling crazy]. I’m a hugger so point one, the distancing just will not work out for me long term. But there’s so much more.
Here’s the truth, I was just surfacing from my own self imposed social distancing of about a year. Maybe just a bit more? It went a bit like this; from spring of 2016 to the fall of 2018 I happily busted my ass at my new wellness based business primarily around the education of using essential oils for therapeutic purposes. That last fall, I was closing out an epic year in my business where I hit the 6 figure earning mark, I had just come home from our annual convention where I was celebrated for my work, the following week I hosted a learning event for 350 people, the next day I left to Mexico to work with one of my beloved partners and teach a hands on healing workshop to primarily Spanish speaking people (I’m no bueno at that language but I’m trying!), the day after I returned home I did the same training but this time for 15 people, thankfully in English. While in Mexico I contracted a terrible stomach bacteria but it was left undiagnosed for seven weeks because I was also pregnant with my third baby — seven weeks pregnant actually. After Mexico in October, and before Christmas, I was also in Georgia, Toronto and New Mexico. I was sick x2, I was tired, I was laser focused on my work, but I was depleted.
Remembering good days helps!
Which takes me to the social distancing. Not that we had that term then, but for sure by January of 2019 I was ready for a break. I needed to detach from some of what I had been doing in work, and really connect with what was most important. I knew that bringing this third baby in was going to be life changing for my family and that I wouldn’t be keeping up the same pace anymore when she arrived earth side. In preparation we took a long family adventure and I also dropped into a better state of self-awareness. I recognized that I was ready to use what I had learned so far in my health business and start to see where I could expand to. In that super introspective time I craved so much time alone. Now in hindsight I can see how super important that was, if I could foreshadow how very little of that I would have now, phew!
The irony is that I came into 2020 with clear vision, with creativity surging through me and decided to get my stars aligned to allow for some epic expansion! In my mind March was the precursor to launching my beautiful new blog and coaching business in April — I hired a nanny, an indulgence I just never could seem to make until now, I prepped my content, I got an awesome website developer to help me achieve the look I was going for and started a routine of working for at my moms house. Just as I was popping my head back up to the surface, a wave was crashing down, rushing everyone back indoors. To stay. Indefinitely.
It’s hard for us to not panic when facing This Weird Time. In times of uncertainty and hopelessness I know that helping others can change my experience. My super achiever voice piped up real loud “cook for people! Make menus! Share your daily family rhythm! Check in with everyone you know! Offer to do things for everyone!” So I rode that out for a bit. And it did help! To consider other people’s needs allowed me to not stay too worried about my own fears. But then it also felt like too much.
I have a lot I want to say about this time, about my thoughts on the state of the world through all of this, about my fears on where it’s leading us. These are unpopular and hard conversations I want to have, and am grateful to have had with some of my closest soul-sisters. I have written and rewritten posts about this only to know it wasn’t quite capturing my actual perspective and wasn’t leading me to a place of deeper connection and trust, which is what NOW more than ever I believe we need.
But in the interim, until my wording lands as I want it to, I want to say it’s okay. We’re going to be okay. Did you receive my 5 Ways to Be Okay Today? You can start with that, just subscribe to my weekly mail! There are endless lessons coming from This Weird Time, some that will feel challenging and some that will bring us greater gifts than we can imagine, of that I’m sure. For now my lesson is that I don’t have to do anything more to be valuable. I am parenting solo in the daytime, my three small wonders are taking every precious moment I have right now, because they are young and they need me. If I compare that to where I expected to be — in quiet solitude working away, churning out my writing, meeting my coaching clients, my older kids perfectly taken care of at school, my youngest wonderfully taken care of by our nanny — I feel angry, sad, frustrated and confused. And so I don’t. I have taken that completely off the table, what is now is all that there is. I’m not getting it right all the time, I still get super overwhelmed by the near constant need I feel, I sometimes slip and check Facebook and see some click-bait article that is full of fear and misinformation and I get scared. But I dial it back down each time to the very moment I’m in.
Tiny joys are what matter.
So here’s what I have for you today.
We’re all always okay if we drill down into a moment-to-moment existence. For someone who is futuristic and able to envision massive life altering growth before it happens, this is hard for me. But it’s the way I live right now and I’m going to ask you to do the same. In a typical day right now it looks like a teething baby who is overtired and refusing naps, a middle child who is going through missing her schoolmates and teacher and has a lot of energy to burn, the oldest who is sensitive and maybe a bit worried at the weirdness she feels right now and is desperate for structure and routine. Keeping up to the meals, cleaning, organizing, entertaining, discipline, fun, rule making, easing off, putting to bed, putting to bed, putting to bed and all with a constant flow of TALKING, so much talking, always asking for something — the intensity of it takes my breath away, I clench my jaw just thinking about it. But then I have to stop and take in this exact moment. Sitting here, curled up in my chair at the window, a cozy blanket, writing my heart out, and there is nothing that could be wrong with any of this.
The Steps; + STOP + where are you right now? Are you safe, this very exact moment where you sit/stand/lay/walk, don’t project bigger, RIGHT NOW – are you safe? + what does your body feel? Warmth from the cool wind, cozy in your home or work or car. Are your basic needs being met? + what do you hear when you’re quiet? Is it your kids, your spouse, your dog, your fishtank, your diffuser, a wind chime, a bird, what is it? + is it still too much? Go smaller and smaller yet to the very root of this moment until all you feel is peace.
In the times where we catch ourselves feeling misery and suffering crashing in hard, panic tightening our chests, our vision zooming out too far to see a greater picture we don’t like the looks of, we have to STOP. And keep drilling down until you get to the good moment, because I promise it is there. Even if it’s just your own heartbeat faintly murmuring to you, your breath moving through your body, you’re okay right now. Now is all there is, and if now is good, everything is good. If we can carry that on then we’ve built a life that is good.
Let me know what your moment was today, we’re all in This Weird Time together, even if we feel farther apart than ever before.