Updated: Apr 20
In a time of such uncertainty it feels like all there is to do is…pause. Since March I’ve had this huge ballooning feeling inside to get my house in order, as it were, to organize and clear away any confusion be it material or otherwise. I’m being called underground, to weather the storm. I’m being asked to retreat. I keep getting this visual of a little nut or a bulb getting buried by the earth, cozy and cocooned, until it’s safe to grow magnificently.
This isn’t an easy sensation for me, I’m a habitual do-er. I feel like a big and swift change is about to blow through, like a shit storm of outward energy will be required, but what can I do in the meantime to further it along? Monday I had what I’d consider a ‘free day’ — Steve working, Gracie and Lily at their first day of nature camp. When Edie finally gave into a big afternoon nap I felt all the wheels inside grinding forward. But to where? There was nothing more for me to accomplish in my day. I could tidy more, start the process of packing, obsessively comb through housing listings for sale or rent. But I didn’t, I let the gears stop moving and recognized that I’m dog tired. I’ve been tired for a long time but if you keep chugging away you’ll hardly notice. I have a compulsion for production I’ve realized and when I allow myself the absence of that, stopping the make-work projects or seeking, I actually get to feel my body. And my body is tired. So I napped, and it was glorious and nourishing and definitely a little bit too short.
I’m reminded a lot of waiting for my babies to be born, what an intense feeling that is. Just one year ago today, my body was already in the beginning stages of labour. I keenly remember that feeling of knowing what’s coming, the biggest amount of physical work I could ever endure and yet in the waiting, it’s nothing. Everything is suspended, it’s the time to reserve energy not squander it. This is what right now feels like too, like I’m holding my breath, waiting for something and in the intensity of that I fill it with aimless busyness when what I need is to RETREAT.
My soul is wise and it’s been loudly saying so for months, I’m just not letting myself hear it. I want to do something right now — shouldn’t I protest, shouldn’t I read more data, shouldn’t I make sure I’m prepared for what I think might be coming? All of those things do seem important but my reframe is that I can allow for both by staying in tune with slowing down, by doing less.
A balance of opposites, the need to rest and the desire to make something happen. Can I alone effectively engage the minds of billions of people globally to see what is truly above us right now? That doesn’t feel likely. Yet it still feels tremendously important, to not just see what is true but help others who are willing lift the veil as well. The willingness is key though, and trying to liberate those unready is not only thankless, it’s unnecessary and depleting. Nothing like sharing an alternate picture of reality with those unable to hear it, it will quash your excitement of sharing. I have to be discerning, to share enough that keeps me feeling like I’m in the flow of information and yet not drowning in it or fire hosing others. I do believe that change comes from the will of a few and yet I’m unwilling to carry such a heavy load. I believe we can lighten it.
A question; what do I ultimately want to cultivate in my life AND how am I already living exactly within that now? Because, again, the now-ness of life is all that really exists and we can do ourselves the favour of soaking in the joy, the freedom, the stillness as it is offered. Like attracts like and so living in a state of chaos, panic, and force will never bring in peace, security and flow.
I don’t know if I have this figured out, I’ve never felt so enraged and defiant and scared as I have these last few months. I feel like I want to do something with that energy, and maybe I am and maybe I will. I also feel that life doesn’t get moving in the direction you want it to just because you repeatedly punch it forward, life is a stream and the current already exists, I just need to ease into it. I feel myself staunchly standing like a boulder not giving in to the fierce current, but what if I just lifted my feet, closed my eyes and got swept away? I believe that life/universe/source/god is here for us, that current will actually never lead me to the dark murky waters I fear, it will always keep me steadily moving on, supported.
And so I’m angry, yes; I’m confused, yes; I’m scared, yes; but I don’t have a direction to channel this all yet. I’m giving myself the permission to rest. I’m cultivating more compassion for myself as I navigate these new unknown waters. I want to coast, I want it to be more easeful, and I actually can create that if I allow it. I am not doubtful to my purpose here, I am not uncertain about making a life that is good, but until I have the pieces in place to move along, I need to just quiet myself and reserve energy. I need to retreat.
It might look like: + quiet activism, staying informed and clear on my stance, open to new information + gathering with friends or having calls with those I love + turning inward for reflection, becoming more clear on what my own work here is + enjoying as much summer as I can with my kiddos; swimming, BBQs, picnics, outdoors each day + consulting my tools; oils, oracle cards, crystals, tapping, guided meditation + watching happy tv and movies, eating popcorn with this bomb-ass topper (see below) + therapeutic cooking and baking + sitting in nature, standing in nature, earthing as much as possible and calling in the elements for support and calming + sleeping as much as my kid-full life allows for (dear god, help Edie start sleeping more!) + listening to music that feels good + following aligned accounts on social media and unfollowing or muting those that no longer resonate, taking long breaks from media + staying heart wide open to something miraculous coming in + allowing for all of it to feel easier than I think it can be
The energy right now is all about waiting, so how are you dialling into rest and repose? How can you give yourself the permission you need to put down your sword, feel the water rushing around you and stop thrashing around — to succumb, to let go? One small thing or many big things, only you know. But the energy of right now is about letting go, so let’s and see what comes.
And also, wishing the happiest of birthdays to my sweet Edie Plum! I cannot believe a year has gone by and I cannot believe how differently my life and the world look today versus a year ago. Just to remind us, it’s always transforming!
I’m not always going to get this right, I’ll likely post something triggering on social media later today! Like I said, I’m laying on the compassion for self as I navigate how to flow with life right now. One thing I won’t get wrong though is this popcorn, my snack game is strong! Enjoy this and feel good about life.