The Breakdown

Updated: Apr 20

It’s all breaking down. School. Work. Society. Medicine. Economy. Technology. All the pillars of the foundation of life that we’ve been born into are crumbling in one way or another right now. It feels anxiety provoking, unsettling, confusing, maddening. No matter what your perception is of current events – an unstoppable deadly virus, civil unrest, racial inequality, economic collapse, an endangered planet, a confused species that doesn’t trust their own bodies, a division between those who will and those who won’t – we are in free-fall and it’s scary. Grasping at straws, trying to find answers, we keep asking questions; why is this happening now? How has this happened so fast? What can we do to stop it? How do we go back?

Are we asking the right questions?

I think we’re being called to radically reshape what we’ve inherited.


All of us now on the planet were born into an already broken system. I don’t know how long it’s been this way, what the critical point was in history where we turned the corner from living in the glory of our humanness to marching ourselves off a cliff. The loosening of tribes to the formation of societies, the agricultural revolution, the industrial revolution, the advent of modern medicine, the technological era. Perhaps it was always the human story, it has just manifested in different ways over millennia.

Did you ever feel as though something was simply just not right and yet you couldn’t say what exactly? Could you feel that even as a young child something was amiss? The world as we know it has not been set up for the promotion of human life; enjoyment, pleasure, peace, knowing, these have never been the goal of the world we live in. I’ve always known that to be true but could skirt around it, carve out my own existence just on the outer fringe of what’s deemed normal. Live that way in solitude and not experience disruption as I kept to myself, didn’t challenge what else was out there as it also didn’t threaten me. But it’s all boiled up to the surface now and not only is it palpable, it’s visible.

THE BREAKDOWN of SYSTEMS + school; a distraction for children so parents can stay in the workforce, a socialization experiment, not set up to secure one’s individuality, ensures conformity and readying for workforce, trains us that time is to be traded for grades/success/money, centred around obedience and breaking of will + medicine; having a doctor or primary health care facilitator with whom you have no relationship, absence of seeing health as part of our domain, looking outward for health, focused on disease care not prevention, falsely presents as a ‘power’ that only a few can access, disregard for nature as medicine + technology; as a distraction, as a comparison tool, as a connection device that perpetuates further division and isolation, compels us to constantly look outward for approval and validity, projects false personas, enforces an idea that people should be available at all times (text, DM, PM, phone, email, voice message, etc) and can never be ‘off’, striving for better and faster (5G) to what end? + economy; a driving force, easily perpetuates greed, centred on money no matter the cost, corruption, consumerism being advertised as source of joy and achievement, never having enough + work; on someone else’s timeline, rigidity of scheduling and arbitrary amount of hours even if it doesn’t lead to productivity, conformity, trading energy and time for dollars, consecrating that the currency we need to be exchanging is financial only, lack of care for finding anything joyful or purposeful or meaningful in work, creating busyness + society; divisive, us vs them, not collaborative or cooperative, giving way to labels, departure from human need of connection

We came to earth a time that this illusion was so fully fabricated that to even question it would make you an outcast. If you didn’t subscribe to the ‘normal’ confines of school, medicine, work etc then there was something wrong with you. Maybe school was boring and never nurtured the creative side of you or the wild side of you or the quiet side of you. Maybe the workplace was stifling with boredom, ambiguous rules and a hierarchy that wasn’t measured adequately. Did you buck the system? If you did, it was hard! If you didn’t, did you stay in your own integrity and authenticity? One isn’t right and one isn’t wrong, it needs to be personalized which is the inherent problem with making everything standardized. Now, we’ve been collectively forced to reassess what truly does make sense, what is essential to human life, and who gets to deem it so. Hey, I love having a glass of wine as much as anyone else, but would I say that accessing the liquor store was more essential than my local farmer’s market remaining open? If health was of any consideration, would the fare at fast-food restaurants be allowed to be sold? It begs asking. The veil is being lifted and I’m starting to understand that some won’t be able to see what’s before them. You could be reading this right now and have that experience, I maybe lost you at the opening line! It’s inconvenient to consider things differently but I would encourage it anyway.

Like every good breakdown, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Or is my mind loosening? Knowing that we will never go back to what was, that it’s far beyond repair, means there is space to create with intention. I have my pocket of people I know are coming with me but what will happen to those who don’t envision the same reality? I’ve said before, this feels like a great splintering, and I wonder if the pieces ever come back to each other or instead make smaller puzzles of their own. Harmonious (I hope), but separate.

We’re on month five of this new world we’re embarking on and I’m so tired of it. If you’re in opposition to seeing how things are unfolding you feeling that exhaustion too. And even if you’re a proponent to the new requirements that have come into place, you may still feel tired because the energy is heavy right now, there is so much to keep up to. Exhaustion begs for us to practice true self care and stay in the space of cocooning. To not obsess over the changing tides but to learn how to be with ourselves through this. Every inch of me wants to run away but to where, and to who. I think the saving right now (always?) comes from within.

I catch myself wanting to fight outwardly. I look at what’s happening externally and feel like I’ve been transported to a different planet. I want to share that counter culture post on the risk of vaccines or scream from my rooftop that I’ll never understand the basis that the mask mandate came out on…but to what end? There is a time to fight, and yet the fight feels like it’s inward. It’s calling me deep within myself to become better positioned. There is much ahead that will require that energy and what I need is to become clear. The only way out is through.


Could we consciously create our world? The one I was born into was never one I would create. I’m asking myself now what can I do to create the world I want to live in, that I hope for my daughters to grow up in. What boldness, courage and level of acceptance will it take? What wisdom do I already possess that can see me through to the other side? I accept that this world I’ve known was never set up in my favour, my humanness, and so I feel hopeful, excited almost, to wonder on what will come next as we sift through the wreckage and salvage what matters most. It’s all messy, in writing this I fused together bits of notes I have left myself over the last few months. I waded through the dark waters when I didn’t want to and I sat myself down and forced this out. As a chronic optimist I wanted only to show the light, to sweep up the broken parts and push them aside. But in acknowledging what is there I also liberate myself from being (so) afraid of it, and maybe in sharing it I can do that for you too. We can do it together. The world I am creating is one of unity, not sameness, but togetherness.

I leave you with what I am doing, for now, perhaps you are doing these things too, or creating life in another way that feels good. + being in nature and water as much as possible + as much quiet and rest as possible + connecting with the people I love most in the world (and I am beyond grateful for the souls I do connect with) + hugging + reminding myself constantly of what I’m grateful for, there is so much good + cooking great meals + carving out as much joy as I can in every day + relying on the tools I know help me be in this human body; food, oils, movement, oracle cards, meditation, sleep, laughter, recharging in solitude

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